Morgan Kate

After six months and two weeks we said goodbye.

Goodbye to our oxygen tank(s) that is. 

Morgan Kate was officially finished with oxygen as of March 17th, St. Patty's Day. She has not used even a smidge of oxygen since that time. I could have called and had the equipment rental place come and pick up the tanks the very next day, probably even late that same afternoon. But I didn't. I was too afraid. I was scared. I felt like if we sent them away or had someone come get them then we might unexpectedly need them again. Thankfully we have not! So, over three months later I made the call and today someone came out to get them. 

I should feel better right? A huge sense of relief? Well, if I said that I was relieved or that I wasn't scared anymore then I would be lying. And I have vowed since the beginning that I would be honest. I'm still scared. I'm still worried. I still have this lingering fear that something might go wrong and we might need those tanks again. I am still afraid that Morgan Kate's lungs might need assistance. 

Everyday I find myself watching her. Of course I am watching her play, and babble, and touch her toes and try to sit up, but I am also watching how she breathes. Is she breathing too fast? Is she breathing too slow? Does she sound like she is wheezing? Does she seem to be having a hard time breathing? Do certain positions or activities cause her to breathe differently? For the record, she breathes fine. She doesn't seem to be breathing too fast or too slow and she doesn't sound like she is wheezing. And the only time I see her breathing change is when she is lying on her tummy or trying to sit up. It takes a little extra work which therefore causes her to breathe a little harder and slightly faster. However, despite all of that, her breathing terrifies me. Scares me to death. And I know that it's only because of her history. Because she was so early and did have such a hard time breathing. Because she did require the CPAP and oxygen for quite some time. And because she did have chronic lung disease. 

I would love not to worry about it. I would love to take a deep breath and let out a sigh of relief. But I just don't see that happening anytime soon. So while I am thrilled the oxygen tank(s) is gone because it means extra space in her room, I am still scared. 

--------------------

On a slightly different note. This is Morgan Kate in her crib right after her morning nap. The grey cord is part of her apnea monitor. The grey cord is usually at her feet and her head is at the opposite end of the crib. However, as she has gotten older and more mobile I often times find her at this end of the crib and she is playing with the cord and at times chewing on it. I have tried explaining that the cord is not meant for chewing or playing, but she just doesn't seem to understand yet. 

We are still in the process of scheduling the sleep study. They study that will hopefully "free" us from the apnea monitor.