Morgan Kate

It's funny. The last time I blogged was Monday, September 1. I was a little overwhelmed with emotion that my baby girl was actually in Kindergarten. And so I decided to blog about it. I also wasn't feeling well. I just felt blah and slightly nauseous. I just assumed I was exhausted from the start of school and that maybe I needed a nap. Later that day, the very same day I last blogged, I found out the reason for my excessive tiredness, nauseous feeling, and crazy emotions - we were pregnant! 

Throughout the day, I casually mentioned to Travis that I felt a little sick, kind of like I felt when I was pregnant with Morgan Kate. We both laughed it off because we knew the likelihood of that actually happening was pretty slim. We'd been trying to have another baby for years, and after two miscarriages, and a few rounds of fertility help, we had decided that Morgan Kate was more than enough (for the record, she's always been more than enough) and maybe a another baby wasn't in our cards. And we were learning to be okay with that. Not an easy pill to swallow, but we were trying.

Trav ran out to the grocery store later in the day to pick up some things for dinner. When he returned he handed me a pregnancy test and we both agreed it was best to rule it out and clear our minds. I was certain the test would be negative. I took the test and waited. When I did finally decide to look I saw a plus sign. Or at least that's what I thought it was. I had to ask Trav to be sure. He confirmed, it was indeed a plus sign. 

Now this is the moment that most would become overly excited and happy and begin dreaming of what was to come. We wanted to be excited, we really, really did. But we were afraid. Very afraid. Was this really happening? Was I really pregnant? Would it all work out this time? Would we have another miscarriage? If we didn't have a miscarriage, would we have another premature baby? Which doctor would we see? So much to think about and consider. 

I locked myself in our guest room (I didn't want MK to wonder what was going on) and immediately called my mom. After some tears, shock, and excitement, we all (me, Trav, mom and dad) agreed that I should call Dr. W the very next day. So, that's exactly what I did. 

I'll try to keep a long story kind of short...I went in to Dr. W's office two days later for blood work and it was confirmed. I was definitely pregnant. I went back in a week later for an ultrasound. Again, most people are filled with excitement and butterflies. We, on the other hand, were even more terrified. I'm sure my blood pressure was through the roof and instead of butterflies, I felt like I was going to throw up (and I don't think it was hormones). The doctor and nurse were thrilled with the ultrasound and kept saying, "Congratulations!" I was quite opposite. I was in tears and had already convinced myself that another miscarriage was in our future. They couldn't get an accurate measurement because I was so early, and they were perfectly okay with that. I was not. I wanted details and a measurement and a due date. I assumed something must be wrong if the doctor was not able to get a measurement. That's how it's been in our past. I came in a week later for another ultrasound and in the short, but very long week, there had been good growth and the doctor was even more excited. Trav was beginning to get excited. And I was trying. 

Since that time we have started with a new high-risk doctor and he is seeing me every two weeks. I am thrilled with my care and feel like I am in the best place possible. I had a cerclage placed at 12 weeks and things went very well with that. Four weeks ago, I started weekly 17P shots to keep my uterus nice and calm. We are currently 20 weeks along and we have a very healthy, active baby. We've decided to keep the gender a secret until the baby makes it's debut! We found out at 20 weeks with Morgan Kate, and thought we'd try a little something different this time. 

I'd love to say that it's been all sunshine and roses and excitement and anticipation, but I'd be lying. I try not to complain about anything, because I am SO thankful to be here in this place and I am beyond thankful for this tiny baby growing inside of me. But, I'm scared. So scared. Scared of losing this baby that I already am so in love with. Scared that we will have another premature baby. Scared that so many other things could go wrong. But, I'm working on it. I'm praying about it. I have to keep reminding myself that I am not going to let anyone or anything steal my joy, but it's a constant struggle. I have an amazing husband and sweet baby girl that keep me going on a daily basis. Trav is my rock, there is no other way to describe it. I have wonderful family and friends who constantly check on me, pray for me, try to keep me positive and help in any possible. I am blessed beyond measure.

Despite all of the things we are scared about, the fear wasn't enough to keep us from trying or wanting another baby because we want this SO bad and that has to count for something. I look at our precious little girl and I know that it's all so worth it. All the worry and fear and tears and heartache, it's worth it. We have some exciting, but challenging weeks ahead of us. Exciting because our baby is growing and changing. Exciting because my waistline is growing and changing (I really am excited about that!). Exciting because we are beginning to feel the baby move all around and it provides a nice little reminder through the day that all is well. Yet, challenging because we are afraid of what might happen. We are afraid that what happened with Morgan Kate might happen again. BUT, we are trying to choose joy instead of fear because this is such a joyous time. 

Joy, not fear. Joy, not fear. Joy, not fear...