23 Weeks

Today begins my 23rd week. 

It feels good to be 23 weeks. My belly is growing, which I love. I am feeling our baby move more and more every day. Twenty-three weeks means another week closer to having our baby here in our arms. All of those are good things. And they feel good.

19 weeks on the left, 23 weeks on the right.

But, 23 weeks also feels scary. Very scary. It was at the end of 23 weeks that things took a drastic turn with Morgan Kate. Things had been going so well and then it all went downhill. And it all happened so quickly. At 23 weeks I began to notice changes and was put on bed rest. At 24 weeks my water broke and I was hospitalized. And at just 25 weeks and 4 days, Morgan Kate was delivered via emergency c-section because my placenta ruptured. 

So while 23 weeks feels good, it feels hard, too. I'm anxious. On edge. Nervous and scared. I think and worry and I replay the events from Morgan Kate's pregnancy/birth. I desperately want this time to be different. So very different. 

There are things that are different this go around and I'm thankful for that. This time things started out differently. With MK I had bleeding around 7 weeks. This time I didn't have that. My belly is already a lot bigger than I ever was with MK. I know it's not my first pregnancy and women usually are bigger, but with MK I was really small. I feel this baby move a lot more than I ever felt MK move. At MK's 20 week ultrasound she was measuring a little behind. This baby has measured right on track the entire time. At one point the baby even measured a little ahead.

Precious little profile.

But, in some ways things seem a lot like MK's pregnancy. For instance, I am currently on bed rest. I know it's the best thing and I know it's what I have to do, but it's been hard to accept. Despite all that happened with Morgan Kate, I really did think this time might be different. I thought I might actually be able to go full term without bed rest. Maybe what happened with her was a fluke and that my body really could carry a baby to term without any interventions or time off of my feet. Bed rest to me means that I can't, that I need help, and some days that's hard to swallow. 

At my 20 week appointment my doctor decided that it was in fact time for bed rest. Around 18 weeks I was having what I thought was cramping or the baby stretching out, but later learned were contractions. I never had contractions with MK (that  I know of) so I had no clue what a contraction felt like. At that same appointment my cervix has changed some. It was still in a safe place, but had changed and it frightened us, especially in addition to the contractions. After that appointment I continued working, but spent afternoons and weekends in our recliner, doing nothing. I kept my feet up, rested and drank lots and lots of water. At my 20 week appointment I wasn't having as many contractions (if any) and my cervix had improved. Apparently the rest and fluids were making a difference. We had a long talk with our doctor and all agreed that staying off my feet as much as possible was key. It was something that had to be done. We all want this time to be different, and we think that by doing this, it can be. We don't want to have any regrets and we want to know that we did all we could do to ensure the longest, healthiest pregnancy. 

Another picture at 23 weeks.

When we walked out of the doctor's office that day, Travis was thrilled and relieved that I would be at home and off my feet. I, on the other hand, was in tears. I wanted this time to be different and I wanted to return to my classroom where there were 46 sweet little faces waiting for me. It took most of Christmas break to digest all of this and really accept that it was reality and something I must do. 

I've been on the other side of bed rest. I've been on the side where I can come and go as I please and move about, but my baby is confined to a isolette in the hospital. I lived that for 107 days and I know there is nothing easy about it and it's not what I want if I can help it. At all. So, this bed rest thing? I can do it. It might be hard and at times boring and lonely, but I can do it. It's much easier than the alternative.