As they wheeled me to her room for the very first time my mind wandered. What would she look like? What sounds would she make? How many wires would be attached to her? Would she be okay? Would she know me?
I remember sitting in the wheelchair and attempting to wash my hands before seeing her. My incision hurt. My head hurt. My IV burned. But I didn't care. I couldn't think about anything or anyone, except for her. They rolled me down a long hallway and then I arrived. I arrived at Room 8. The room was dark and there were all sorts of machines beeping and moving. As they rolled me toward her isolette my eyes filled with tears. A lump formed in my throat. My hands began to shake. And my heart broke into a million little pieces. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I just cried. I sat at her side, with Travis at my back, and I cried. And when I could finally speak, I said, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry." All I wanted to do was hold her. I wanted to touch her and comfort and reassure her.
Here was my daughter. My first child. My only child. Here she was lying in this tiny isolette, so fragile, so small, all alone and hooked up to so many machines and wires and tubes. And I was apologizing to her because I felt like a failure. My body had failed her. And because of that she was fighting for her life.
And boy did she fight.
And she continues to fight.
Morgan Kate has had wonderful people in her life from the start. Her doctors and nurses and respiratory therapists and volunteers from the NICU were angels sent from above. My parents, and family and friends have all played such a vital role. Her current doctors and therapists make a difference everyday in her life. And I think Travis and I have done an okay job too. But the real credit goes to Morgan Kate. She is one incredible little girl with one unbelievable story.
From day one she has been a fighter. She is the most determined person I know. She is brave and she is courageous. And she is so, so strong. She doesn't ever stop and even at only fourteen months, she doesn't ever give up. Everyday I look at her and I am amazed at the person she is and all that she has accomplished. She has these eyes that just melt your heart. And her smile could light up an entire city. And she is all mine. I tell her everyday just how much I love her and how proud I am to be her mommy.
I know it sounds funny and I don't really know how to explain it. But sometimes it's hard to believe that my daughter, my Morgan Kate, was born at only 25 weeks. It's hard to believe that Morgan Kate came into this world weighing only one pound and twelve ounces.One pound and twelve ounces. There are times when I am telling the story of her birth to a friend or even a stranger and I can't believe the words that are coming from my mouth. It still baffles me and amazes me and sends chills down my spine. Sometimes I think back to those early, early days and I don't know how we did it. I don't know how Morgan Kate did it and I certainly don't know how Travis or I did it. But we did.
I would love to say that I was so very strong and so confident that it would all be okay. But I wasn't always strong or confident that things would be okay. Most days I was scared. Many times I was nervous. And sometimes I was a complete wreck. As I have said before, prior to having Morgan Kate I really knew nothing about premature births. I think I knew of maybe one family that had had premature twins, but that was the extent of my knowledge. In some ways I think my ignorance in the beginning was probably a blessing. But the more I learned and the more I read and the more I saw, the more my eyes were opened. And I am truly thankful for that.
Today bloggers all over will unite by blogging about a baby they love. They will blog to raise awareness and to give information about premature births. Of course I wanted to blog about my own miracle, but I urge you to visit the other miracles in the sidebar to the right. They will simply amaze you and you will fall in love.
Today is the day to fight for prematurity. Please join me.
If you do decide to join me and you happen to blog about a baby you love, please add your link below. I would love to read your post!