Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I can't decide if I like Mother's Day.

As a child I did. I liked picking out the perfect gift to show my appreciation. I liked spending hours creating a card that my mom would love.

Two years ago I was pregnant on Mother's Day. I thought it would have been a day filled with happiness and joy and all of that good stuff. And while on the outside I pretended it was all those things, on the inside I felt completely different. I was nervous. I was scared. I was anxious. I was so afraid that something might go wrong and that I might not be able to experience being a mother. Last year was my first Mother's Day officially being a mom. I don't know that I even thought about it being Mother's Day. I was just so overwhelmed that I was finally a mom. I was so overjoyed to finally have my baby girl home with me and to be able to share her with everyone else.

And then there was yesterday. Yesterday I had a nice day. I got to spend time with my hubby and my baby girl. My hubby surprised me with a special card and gift card. I got to be with my own mom, whom I might add is absolutely amazing. I also got to spend the day with both of my grandmothers, as well as many other family members. But, at the same time I was experiencing such a range of emotions. On one hand I was so happy for so many of my friends and family members who were experiencing their very first Mother's Day. And I was thrilled for those who were experiencing their first "Mom-to-Be" Day. And on the other hand I was so sad on the inside. My heart was so heavy.

My heart was heavy for those who are longing to be a mother. We watched a special Mother's Day video during church and I found myself feeling so uncomfortable. I kept thinking about all the women out there who wait every day and every month to find out if this is going to be the month or not. I remember when we were trying to get pregnant with Morgan Kate. It took some time, a lot longer than we would have liked. I remember those feelings of disappointment. I remember that longing feeling. I remember all of the feelings I experienced and how sensitive I was during that entire time.

My heart was heavy for those who have lost their mothers. I can't imagine having to get through Mother's Day without my own mom being here. All day I kept thinking about that and thinking about my own family members who have lost their mothers and how difficult yesterday must have been for them.

My heart was heavy for those mothers who have lost their babies or whose babies are not with them. It breaks my heart that there are mothers out there who have lost their babies/children. Or there are mothers who aren't able to be with their children for one reason or another.

I understand that Mother's Day is a time to celebrate and honor and thank mothers everywhere. But honestly, I think that's something we should do everyday, all throughout the year and in our own way.

Maybe one day I will feel differently. Maybe one day I will like Mother's Day again. Maybe one day my heart won't be so heavy.


Heather said...

I try not to think about the sad things during holidays and just be appreciative of what and who is here with me to celebrate. My granny passed a few weeks after Mother's Day last year. Her one 1 anniversary of her death is next week. This Mother's Day was bitter sweet and a little hard, but I made the best of it with sweet snuggles from my girls.

Try not to dwell on it too much and enjoy your sweet MK. I know, easier said than done, but I find it is easier to deal with that way.

Jill said...

Heather, I love you!!!

Whitnie said...

i know exactly how you are feeling and i agree with your blog entry 100%. this is the second mother's day i went through since my mom died and it's just not a day i care to participate in again yet. I also went through numerous mother's days before i got pregnant with morgan with those empty feelings and longing to be a mommy with every ounce of my being. so i understand how you feel, girl. praying for you!!