Ten months ago our worlds changed drastically or at least in my opinion they did. My world. Your world. Your daddy's world. And people who were so kind to listen, love and tolerate - their worlds were changed too because I sure did need them to listen, love and tolerate my good and ugly days. A lot. Really, it was probably only my world that truly changed, but I like to think that I wasn't alone. Ten months ago I gave up no alarm clock mornings. I gave up days of nothing but you and I. Days of play dates and naps. I gave up days of reading and puzzles and snuggling with my best girl. Days of kissing you whenever I wanted to. I gave up my time as a stay at home mom and went back to work after two heart filling years at home with you. Those two years were indeed heart filling. They weren't years that I ever thought I would get, but I did and regardless of the circumstances or the situations that brought us to that point, I am so, so very thankful. My heart was so full and when I did have to return to work I didn't think my heart could or would ever feel the same.
|August 12, 2010|
Last August was tough. There's no better way to explain it. It was hard. I had really good days where I felt okay about my decision to return to work. And then I had really awful days where I cried a whole lot and begged your daddy to let me stay at home again. Which I might add is quite hysterical thinking back on it because your daddy didn't make me go back to work and if I was really that unhappy I know without a shadow of a doubt that we would have worked it out so that I could stay at home. It was a decision we made together, for us, for you and for our little family of three, well five including the pups. But it made me feel better on those days that did bring tears to beg him to let me stay home. I guess I was hoping he could wave a magical wand and make it all better.
I vividly remember a Friday afternoon last August where I called Kaky and cried my eyes out. I told her it was hard and I didn't want to do it and I didn't understand how people did do it. I told her that I didn't have time for anything and I felt like everything around me was falling apart. The funny part here is that the important things, like you and your daddy, weren't falling apart. It was the small things like laundry and ironing and cleaning and grading papers and doing lesson plans that were beginning to get overwhelming. She reassured me that things would be okay and that we would all get through this. She's always so reassuring and encouraging and her talks always make me feel better. I hope I do the same for you one day. I then hung up with her, walked in to Roddey's to pick you up and cried to her. Crying usually makes me feel better.
The truth is the laundry was piling up. Dishes were lingering in the sink. The floor hadn't been swept in days. I didn't have any pressed pants for work. Your daddy hadn't worn a clean shirt to work in days. Lesson plans were being neglected. But you were okay. And your daddy was okay. I was struggling, but you guys were okay. For starters, your daddy can handle just about anything. He is definitely my rock. He just constantly reassured me that we would get through this and that he would do whatever needed to be done to help me. And he did. And you? You were probably better than anyone because you were in the absolute best care all day long. You were in a place where you were loved more than I could have imagined. You were in a place where you were taken care of. A place where you were learning and growing. And boy did you learn and grow. You have made gigantic leaps and bounds this year. So while I wasn't sure if my heart would ever be full again, I learned it could be and even more so. Knowing that there was someone out there who would love you and care for you like I did made my heart even more full. Roddey holds a very special place in my heart and she always will.
Ten months later we have survived. I caught up on the laundry. I even ironed a few of your daddy's shirts. I found time for work, for you, for your daddy and even a little for myself. I figured out how to get my schoolwork done and still have afternoons for us. I learned that some things will be okay if they don't get done and that I don't have to cook dinner every night. (Who am I fooling, I've never done that anyway.) I learned to appreciate my weekends even more and to once again, slow down and savor every second with you. You are my heart. My girl. My baby. And I love you so, so very much.
|June 13, 2011|
Ten months later I'm finding our new. A new routine. A new way of living. And I like it. We've only had a few days of summer break and I have this new found appreciation for it. I'm so excited about what this summer holds for you and I. This summer I am going to savor every minute. I'm going to enjoy our days of just you and I. And I know in August my heart will hurt again to let you go, but I think it will be so much easier this time. And I'm thankful for that.
I love you,