Oh, how I wish I could stay at home with Morgan Kate forever. I never expected to be at home. I never thought it could be a reality. It was never in the plan. But then, having our daughter come fifteen weeks early really wasn't in the plan. And bringing our daughter home 107 days later on oxygen and a feeding tube also really wasn't in the plan. So Travis and I have learned that things don't always go as planned. I wasn't sure that I would enjoy staying at home, but I do. I definitely miss my co-workers and I miss adult interaction/conversation (bless the hearts of all who get stuck with me on the phone), but I LOVE being at home with Morgan Kate. It is a dream I never expected to come true and it has been complete bliss.
I always expected to work up until the point she was born and then return as soon as my maternity leave was over. Maybe I would be teaching and start having contractions. Maybe my water would break in the middle of the night and I wouldn't be able to return to work the next day because I would be giving birth. Maybe she would come right before Thanksgiving or right after. She would be born and I would take my maternity leave. I had nine weeks of paid time saved up, plus the two weeks we get for Christmas break. I was looking at eleven weeks of paid time OFF. I already had my long term sub set up and was looking for childcare for when I would to return to work. It was all planned out. Never in the plan was staying at home an option or even something I thought about doing.
Then Morgan Kate arrived. Much sooner than her original due date. And with much different circumstances. Which left us with many, many decisions to make - one being whether or not I would return to work or stay at home. Decisions, decisions. And not easy ones. In the end, as you all know, we opted for me to stay at home. We paid off some debt, made some changes to our finances and learned to live on a budget. Let me rephrase that, we are learning to live on a budget.
And now, it's almost two years later. I have been at home for two years and I have loved every single minute of it. Okay, maybe I didn't love the whole feeding tube thing or all the doctors appointments we used to have. But other than those few things, I have been as happy as a clam. Being at home with her every single day makes my heart happy. It makes me content.
But, I think it's time. Time to make some new decisions. Time to return to work. Not so much because I am really dying to, but I because I know it's right. It's right for me (I think). It's right for Morgan Kate. It's right for my family. And, it's right for my checkbook. Or at least those are all the things I tell myself each morning and each night when my mind is consumed with all of this.
I thought the hard part would be actually making the decision. And believe me, it's definitely been hard. Lots of tears and crying and moping and thinking and praying and wondering and worrying. But now the hardest part is proving to be actually finding a job. I just may have picked the absolute worst time to return to work, especially as a teacher.
One of my greatest lessons since becoming a mom has been patience. I have learned it over and over and over again. And even though I have learned it over and over, it still proves to be one of my greatest weakness. I hate waiting and wondering. So waiting on this job thing and wondering what's going to happen is hard. But I know I must continue to have patience and continue to believe that I will indeed find something.
Until then, I plan to soak up every minute I have here at home with my baby girl.