Friday, May 22, 2009

You may remember this post. The post where I was open and honest about my experiences and feelings as a new mom. The post where I confessed that I hated breastfeeding, needed more sleep, and missed Morgan Kate only seconds after walking out the door. Well, since that time I have tried to continue being honest. I try to blog about everything. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Today was an ugly moment. I had a bit of a "mommy melt down". It may have actually been more than a bit. Maybe a lot. It was one of those "I-just-want-everything-to-be-okay-with-my-child" kind of moments. It may also be due in part to some hormonal changes at this particular time of the month. Either way it wasn't pretty and my mom and Travis had to bear the brunt of it. 

I'll try to explain. Morgan Kate had her OT evaluation this morning. I was feeling really good about it and very confident. When MK had her PT evaluation several weeks ago I didn't think twice about it. I was excited for it, looked forward to it, and was thrilled that she qualified. Even now I look forward to our weekly sessions and get super excited about new exercises and activities. 

Today was different. After about 45 minutes it was crystal clear that MK was going to qualify for OT. She clearly has some delays with reaching and grasping. And as much as I wanted to be excited for help and for extra services, I wasn't. In fact, I was really bummed. Extremely sad. And I don't really know why. I mean I know that she was born four months early. I know that some things are going to take extra work. I know that some things are going to come quickly and others are going to take more time. And so far I have been okay with all of that. Really I have. But today I wasn't. It was just one of those days.

Today I had that "why-is-this-happening-why-can't-everything-be-okay" moment. I got really sad. Cried a lot. Prayed some. Talked with Travis and my mom. Took some time to myself. Loved on Morgan Kate. And then tried to find a peace about it all. 

And as of 11:30 tonight I think I am okay. Matter of fact, I know I am okay. I know that this whole reaching/grasping thing will come all in Morgan Kate's time. I have to be patient. And believe me, I have learned a lot about patience in the last few years. 

The day may have started sort of "not pretty", but it has definitely ended with a smile. The OT seems really nice and knowledgeable. After only 45 minutes I can tell she is going to be a big help for Morgan Kate and myself. And ultimately that is all I want. 


Anonymous said...

Remember this day when you have to start watching her every moment because she is grabbing everything in sight and you have to tell her NO. She will cry because she really wants whatever it is or just thinks she wants whatever it is. Today, Megan put a rock in her mouth and was chewing on it at our caregiver's house.


Anonymous said...

All in Morgan Kate;s time, Pretty Girl-----God did not create this world in a day!
Be patient, as always, and remember



shrry pyle said...

Sorry to hear of your hard day!!!Well, welcome to being a Mom!
All of us have many of those melt down days over our children.
Realizing you have been through more than most and have handled everything well should encourage you.
It would probably be more not normal not to feel like this sometimes!!!!
We pour all we have into these precious ones and with that does come some hard hard times.
When they are young its one set of problems. When they are older a new kind of problems because we choose to stay and always be in our children's lives. Yes, its hard but like you have said this is such a wonderful experience troubles and all.
I am so glad you were able to work through this, sometimmes it takes me a little longer!!
Their are a lot of fears we experience as we watch them gow and thank goodness for Faith because without it I wouldn't handle things well at all.
Your heart is so loving and open to express the real you. God will bless and use this kind of heart.
I pray for you all every day and appreciate the great parents and grandparents you all are.
I have often been told our greatest fears usually never happen!!
God bless you and that beautiful doll Morgan Kate.
Her smile lights up the world around her!!!

Martha Compton said...

I know exactly how you feel. I have been hoping and hoping that C wouldn't qualify for speech therapy, even though I love her OT and PT. When we had her EI annual review and it was obvious language was a problem, I was pretty upset. The only peace I get about it is that we are doing EVERYTHING we can for C and I know the early intervention is the best predictor of future success for preemies and other children at risk for disabilities. ((hugs))

Denise said...

Oh man, I feel you there Heather! Seriously! That's how I felt when I found out Parker needed PT. Now, though, I know it's best! Huge hugs!

Stephanie said...

When she's all over the place and you can't keep anything away from her you'll look back to this day :) Praying for your family!

Kelly Lee said...

Just wanted to send you a BIG hug!(and a hot powdered donut that your mom made for us:)) I love you bunches, Kelly Jean

Justin and Jessica Jones said...

I'm glad you were able to take a deep breath and find a little solace at the end of the day. One thing Lisa P has really taught me to do at school is to first focus on what kids can do and then weigh that against what they can't do "yet." Normally the can't do list is much shorter. I know it is different when you are talking about your own child, but God has taken MK so far, and He is still there. Miss you...hope you will be able to make Tuesday night or the shower...or go crazy and do BOTH! :)