Tuesday, June 23, 2009

After six months and two weeks we said goodbye.

Goodbye to our oxygen tank(s) that is. 

Morgan Kate was officially finished with oxygen as of March 17th, St. Patty's Day. She has not used even a smidge of oxygen since that time. I could have called and had the equipment rental place come and pick up the tanks the very next day, probably even late that same afternoon. But I didn't. I was too afraid. I was scared. I felt like if we sent them away or had someone come get them then we might unexpectedly need them again. Thankfully we have not! So, over three months later I made the call and today someone came out to get them. 

I should feel better right? A huge sense of relief? Well, if I said that I was relieved or that I wasn't scared anymore then I would be lying. And I have vowed since the beginning that I would be honest. I'm still scared. I'm still worried. I still have this lingering fear that something might go wrong and we might need those tanks again. I am still afraid that Morgan Kate's lungs might need assistance. 

Everyday I find myself watching her. Of course I am watching her play, and babble, and touch her toes and try to sit up, but I am also watching how she breathes. Is she breathing too fast? Is she breathing too slow? Does she sound like she is wheezing? Does she seem to be having a hard time breathing? Do certain positions or activities cause her to breathe differently? For the record, she breathes fine. She doesn't seem to be breathing too fast or too slow and she doesn't sound like she is wheezing. And the only time I see her breathing change is when she is lying on her tummy or trying to sit up. It takes a little extra work which therefore causes her to breathe a little harder and slightly faster. However, despite all of that, her breathing terrifies me. Scares me to death. And I know that it's only because of her history. Because she was so early and did have such a hard time breathing. Because she did require the CPAP and oxygen for quite some time. And because she did have chronic lung disease. 

I would love not to worry about it. I would love to take a deep breath and let out a sigh of relief. But I just don't see that happening anytime soon. So while I am thrilled the oxygen tank(s) is gone because it means extra space in her room, I am still scared. 

On a slightly different note. This is Morgan Kate in her crib right after her morning nap. The grey cord is part of her apnea monitor. The grey cord is usually at her feet and her head is at the opposite end of the crib. However, as she has gotten older and more mobile I often times find her at this end of the crib and she is playing with the cord and at times chewing on it. I have tried explaining that the cord is not meant for chewing or playing, but she just doesn't seem to understand yet. 

We are still in the process of scheduling the sleep study. They study that will hopefully "free" us from the apnea monitor. 


Hollie Heming said...

That expression is priceless!!!

Melissa and Sam said...

So proud that you made that move- to call the folks to pick up the tanks. Just breathe- easier said than done- I know, I know, I so know. I'll be praying for you!

MK is doing so well and I'm so thankful!! She's a doll- can't wait for when our girls can play!

Jason and Talyse Burkett said...

It was tough getting rid of Kyran's oxygen tank, and he only used it for a couple of weeks, so I can't imagine how that felt. It's definitely a good feeling too, though!

She looks guilty! How cute!!!

Anthony's Mommy said...

I remember the day they came to pick up the "rocket" too! It was a great day! I think I was happy to see it go cause about a week or 2 before that Anthony had almost strangled himself with the oxygen cord! He rolled in his sleep and it went around his neck! Thankfully it wasn't tight! SCARY!!!

Lori said...

I have not gone through what you have gone through, but I did have a 3lb baby and was in the hospital a long time. I know what it is like to have lingering fears. I locked myself up in my house for the longest time because I did not want him to catch a cold. (they told me his body would be too weak to fight a serious cold).

Congrats on making the call and now it is one day at a time. Heck my 3lb'er is now 15yrs old and driving (yikes, now I have different worries ;).

The Bridges said...

How great! What an awesome accomplishment for your precious little girl. I'm showing my mom your blog and she is having a fit...she thinks Morgan Kate is absolutely beautiful!

The Bridges said...

Thank you so so much for the Nutramigen! It's a big help!