Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I can't sleep. I have this constant lump in my throat. The tiniest things make me all teary eyed. One minute I'm okay about going back to work. And the next minute I am a total mess. I've been trying so hard to stay positive and to just be thankful for a job, but there are some moments where I just can't keep it all together. Right now is one of those moments.

It's so hard to explain. I'm not sad about going to work. I enjoy teaching. I enjoy working with children. I enjoy learning. And I know that Morgan Kate is going to be in the best of care. But I am so incredibly sad to leave her. She's all I know. For the past two years, twenty-four hours a day, I have lived and breathed Morgan Kate. We wake up together. We eat breakfast and lunch together. We play together and read together. Some days we even nap together. We go to therapy and doctor's appointments together. We spend all day, every day with one another. And I love every single minute of it.

I knew going back to work was going to be hard, but I think the month of August makes it even harder. The month of August will never be the same for me. I will always think of August 2008. I will always think of that day I returned to work and how that afternoon I found out that things were terribly wrong and that I would be on bed rest for the duration of my pregnancy. I will always think of my hospital stay and how each day was so crucial. And I will always think of and remember the day Morgan Kate made her entrance into this world much too soon. Each August brings with it so many emotions and memories and feelings from that August two years ago. So as I prepare to go back to work this Thursday I can't help but think of that Thursday two years ago.

And at the same time I am trying to remind myself of all the many things I have to be thankful for and to smile about. I have an amazing husband who I love more than anything else in this world. Together we have a beautiful, healthy, happy baby girl who is our everything. I have been so fortunate to be able to stay at home with her for the past two years. We have terrific family and great friends. We have two fur babies who we love dearly. We both have good jobs, good health, a roof over our heads and food on our table. We are immensely blessed.

So while my heart feels like it's in a million little pieces and at times it's hard for me to breath, I'm going to try and focus on the good things. The things that make me smile.


MJP said...

I totally understand. I am thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Hey Heather...you will be okay :). We are praying for you and MK during this time of adjustment in your schedules. It will be difficult at first but remember to breathe and know that God will take care of everything. Joshua 1:9 Love you, Ms. Phala

CAW said...

clearly you need some of these
((((( hugs )))))
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a future-
these words still apply- for you Trav and MK-
We are approaching the season of Fall and I like to think that we as people have seasons ourselves- season of school, marriage, family, work, nesting, empty nesting, and even living through the circle of generations- this is a season for you a season of change- so Fall into the arms of Christ and he will carry you through this season....
It IS ok to breathe
love you much

Charlotte said...

Thinking about you!!!!! I cannot imagine what you are going through!!! Lots of prayers coming your way!!

Anonymous said...

I know that tomorrow will be a hard day for you and MK. I will be praying for y'all as you work together to make this transition. Good luck tomorrow! I know that it will be great!
Wendy H.