I often debate in my mind what's more painful - actually experiencing something myself or seeing someone close to me experience something. Something that is so painful. Something that can't be controlled. Something I can't do anything about. A year ago today I had to watch loved ones very near and dear to my heart experience something that broke my heart in half. Something that made me so incredibly sad. And so unbelievably angry. Something that brought back some painful memories. Something that made my question why and how. Something that made me doubt things I believe in.
For me, it's sometimes much harder to watch other people deal with painful things. I don't pretend to be this strong person who has it all together, but sometimes when it comes to myself I put up this wall. I feel like I have more control over things. I try to turn certain feelings off. I try to pretend that I am strong. When I see others hurting it's harder for me to pretend. It affects me differently. It breaks me in half. I don't like to see people hurt. I don't like to see people experience pain. I don't like not having control. I don't like feeling helpless. I don't like not being able to make things better.
A year later, while I still deal with those feelings of anger and sadness, I have also seen and witnessed other things. I have seen those people be so brave. So strong. So faithful. I have seen them grow in ways I never imagined. I have seen them change other people's lives, including my own. I strive to be more like them. I have learned once again a true lesson in patience and the fact that we don't have control over everything. That even the best planners can't always plan for everything. That God's timing is the only timing. They have taught me so much about perseverance and about hope and about faith.
And I love them so very much.